Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The mosquito that buzzes loudest...

I was hoping to cool down before posting this, but oh well...

It's official: Rachel and I have met the most annoying couple in the world! Where to begin...

We started our birthing classes last week (including, but not limited to: "Baby In My Body - 101," "Bottle or Breast 203," "Advanced Lamaze - 302," and "Remedial Oh-My-God-8-Centimeters-is-How-Freaking dilated - 401"). Our instructor is nutty (cooking lady Rachel Ray nutty), but a very kind and helpful woman. She's also a registered DULA and a three-time mom, so she understands the need for couples to learn, but at the same time allow them to experience the birthing process on their own. It seems like she'll cover all our bases and I can honestly say that it feels like we've made a lot of progress in our preparedness. We've asked some really good questions and covered a lot of ground. We feel like we're in really good hands.

Now, onto the annoying couple....Ziad and Colleen

I know that hemorrhoids can be common during pregnancy, but I had no idea that they came in human form (coincidental, considering Ziad's name means "growth" in Arabic). They are our newest classmates, and the itch on our birthing mat.

You see, it all began when Z&C arrived to class about 45 minutes late. They didn't give a reason, but I'm assuming it's because the rehab clinic next door was running late on methadone prescriptions.*

*Although that assumption is mean and based entirely on the couple's appearance, it's probably true.

All of us are nervous, first-timer parents yearning for knowledge, so you have to assume that everyone in the class is out to be the best parent they can be, right? I never expected a bad seed in a group like this. So with the room almost full (and having no idea what we were about to do) we happily scooted over our pillows and mats to give them a seat. While I can say that the first 45 minutes of the class went by great, the last 2 hours and 15 minutes took about 3 months.

Some highlights...

1) The beginning
Upon (late) arrival, they proceed to ask questions that had already been covered. Dani, our instructor, calmly explained that she would catch them up after the break. This lasted 45 seconds until they asked yet another, already covered, question. Wash, rinse, repeat every two minutes.

2) Flashback questioning
This is a sophisticated technique of spacing out during a question. Obviously a little bit burnt out, Colleen would ask a Dani something, get distracted by a sparkly item in the room, and then finish the first question with a completely unrelated question she was thinking about. For example, "So if my water breaks and I'm buying some crystal, like to fish?"

1/2 one question + second 1/2 of unrelated question = annoying

3) Chuck You
We were asked to get comfortable, so the couples moved to the floor and supported one another on their pillows and mats. This is the point in the evening when Colleen stuck her Chuck Taylor's (likely, at one point, actually owned by Chuck Taylor, himself) in our face. Apparently, Z&C's "comfortable position" was in our laps. This is also a point in the evening when I thought I saw tract marks on her hip. Rachel quickly reminded me that, what might appear to be track marks, could in fact be the baby trying to claws it's way out of the womb.

4) Meditalking
This was a breaking point for me. Whilst relaxed, quietly enjoying Couples' Meditation, Ziad and Colleen proceeded to discuss anything and everything. Given the fact that it was spoken in grunts and burps, I was not able to translate. However, I did acknowledge (during meditation, mind you) that the new seating arrangement had brought me within striking range of Ziad.

5) Basketbalanceball
After the class we had some more questions for Dani. We decided to stick around and get some one on one, since most of the class had been interrupted. During this time, Z&C decided to walk around the classroom and pick up every balance ball by bouncing it the full length of the room to the closet...what felt like 200 yards. At this point, even Dani directed a kindergarten teacher-like stare at both of them. Z&C all but ignored it, mostly due to ball's large size and bounciess (similar to sparkly distraction seen in Flashback questioning). I inform them the balls are more fun in the street.

These are just a few things that were difficult to deal with in class. Now let me be the first to admit that I know that a birthing class is no place for anger. You're with the love of your life, exploring unchartered territory, learning how to welcome a new soul into the world, yet there it was...Anger. This is how I know that Ziad and Colleen are the worst people in the world. Anyone that can ruin a birthing class? C'mon.

After class was finally over (thank you), Rachel and I prayed the rest of the night (less a half hour for the Simpson's). We asked God to spare our lives next class, because it's obvious that there's going to be a fight to the death. Ziad and Colleen will be fine, no worries there, but heaven help the couple that has two seats open next to them, 'cause when that methadone clinic lets out next Sunday....