Wednesday, April 09, 2008

You've gotta be friggin' kidding me...

No, he didn't just return from the Mickey Mouse Equestrian Center...
...and no, their parents aren't raising them in an Acme anvil factory...
...their parents are just too lazy to baby-proof a house.

I give you the Thudguard, a helmet for everyday clumsy babies and their neglectful parents.

Thudguard is a revolutionary new product, an infant safety hat, designed to help absorb and reduce the impact of head injuries due to a fall or collision. It is suitable for babies and toddlers aged 7 months to 2+ years.

7 months to 2+ years? Sheesh. Because nothing is more embarrassing than getting your first beatdown in daycare, three years prior to regular classroom contact. And trust me, if he's still wearing that thing in Elementary school, he'll need every square inch of it.

Thudguard has strategically placed ventilation holes to allow heat out but REMEMBER, wearing any headgear can become hot and uncomfortable after too long. It is the parent's responsibility to monitor for overheating - especially in very hot weather.

So don't let your child move or play in the dork hat. They must --at ALL times-- sit perfectly still on a bed of down feathers, surrounded in boppy's, with the scent lavender oil permeating their tender nostrils. Only then will the helmet work.

NEVER allow a child to sleep with the hat on.

But what if they fall out of bed? Or what if they sleep walk? I must protect my walking baby!!!!

Keep away from Fire!

Damn.

No Cycling, Skating or Skateboarding.

Worst. Helmet. Ever.

WARNING: THUDGUARD IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR GOOD PARENT OR CARER SUPERVISION.

Nor good helmet is for grammar, yes. Seriously, it says that verbatim at the bottom of this page.

CLIMBING CAN CAUSE CHIN STRAP SNAGGING.

Because asphyxiation is much better than bruising. By the way, I invented a new diaper that eliminates urine altogether, but sprays poop up your baby's back.

HEADGEAR VENTILATION SLITS LEAVE SOME AREA OF THE HEAD EXPOSED.

i.e. Don't fall on anything pointy. The Thudguard does, however, protect against pillow attacks, pancake rifles, tinsel, bird chirping and empty bean bags.

"We can't keep them in a bubble all of their lives...but we can aim to keep them safe." -Kelly Forsyth-Gibson, Inventor

Wow. They use that "inventor" title pretty loosely, eh?

1 comment:

Jennie Dinerman Medeiros said...

Hey Mr. Monkey Love, do you really have room to criticize the Thudguard?!? I remember a time when you regularly strapped on a helmet, and you were legally an adult at the time. =)