Thursday, November 16, 2006

No Sleep Till Brooklyn....

First of all, I would like to thank Uncle Mike for introducing Rachel and I to the wonderful world of workout balls. No, no, no...don't get ahead of yourself here...we're not getting into shape. The workout ball is the last bastion of baby sleep! (We've had a couple of rough nights with Tenzin's sleep schedule (or lack thereof))

Just like his cousin Henry, Tenzin sometimes requires help to get to sleep. Bouncing, for parents, has been a staple for quite some time, but I had no idea that there were so many variations therein. Here are some different levels of bouncing we just recently discovered:

Defcon 1: The Arm Cradle Bounce. Simple sitting/standing, bouncing and/or swaying. Feel free to pat the back/butt at your own pace. Beware that such patting can loosen man farts.

Defcon 2: Standing Bounce. Can be done in Arm Cradle or Chest Squish (chest to chest). This is also the first stage of panic. Parents now realize that baby is not simply fussing, but possibly swelling with impatience/discomfort/man farts. Fussy could escalate to Soprano (ability to break wine glasses).

Defcon 3: Peak-A-Poo. The new parent, knowing full well that their child is capable of blasting stucco from their ass with precision, lifts the side of the diaper from the butt to see if there are any yellow/green/brown presents. All done while bouncing.

Defcon 4: Confuse the Neighbors. If Decon 3 is poop free, reseat yourself on the corner of the bed with baby in the Arm Cradle position, bounce just enough so the bed lightly squeaks, thus "confusing the neighbors."

Defcon 5: Baby Bawl. When neighbor pounds on wall screaming, "Do you know what time it is?!?! She just had a baby, for the love of God!" move to workout ball with baby in the Arm Cradle position. Proceed to bounce for the next 5 minutes or 6 hours (whichever takes longest). Severe back cramps, nausea and vomiting are perfectly natural. Baby might get sick, too.

Defcon 6: Regifting. Give thanks to God for blessing you with such a miracle, then remind a close family member/friend/complete stranger how long it's been since they last held said blessing. This is acceptable at all hours of the night, regardless of what family member/friend/complete stranger/police officers say.

I might joke, but in all honesty, I haven't experienced half the sleeplessness Rachel has. She's been handling a good majority of the nighttime bouncings. How? I don't know. But she started this thing a badass, and appears to want to continue her badassedness throughout Tenzin's infancy. She's still amazing. Tired and amazing.

All for now. I'm going to go take a George Castanza under the desk.

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